When do you know you are getting older? When you notice you are not able to walk as fast as you normally do, when your wrinkles tell, or when your legs begin to ache?
No, that’s true only in a limited sense.
You are actually getting older when the conversations stop.
When the calls stop coming.
When people around you stop noticing you. Or at best give you a polite smile and tune you out.
When deafening silence surrounds you and you can’t avoid listening to it.
When what you think or feel, doesn’t matter to anyone. When people are just not interested in what you think of people, of the world around you, who you like or dislike, how you think you can change the world (!), what’s wrong with the society around you and so on. They feel it’s only blah blah blah.
For those who have their near and dear it’s more often than not worse. The young generation is caught up in the rat race and busy with their own life, their future, problems and challenges, while the rest have no time or inclination or interest to catch up with you.
This is certainly not something new. People in previous generations too felt left out. But the difference today is, the family is no more perceived as the safety net. That connect which was part of our tradition till a few generations ago, which can be loosely described as old world values, is missing, because we as a society now are doing everything possible to ridicule or deny those old world values.
True, many of us in the past were not exactly the embodiment of all these old world values! But at least we did not deny them. To that extent, there was scope and hope for redemption or to stay connected and together, come what may. But today, just a call disconnected can end a relationship!
In a way, people who don’t have anyone they can call their own are lucky. They have no one to miss or feel like they are being missed! Theirs is only a sense of loss, but not a feeling of being let down.
Money does help but it can only fill the void to some extent. It can stop you from thinking that you are now an unwanted burden, and help you cope with your irrelevance.
It is when you feel all these that you are getting old.
The bigger tragedy for such people is if they are not financially independent. For such folks, the government should make it their fundamental right to a part of their children’s income so that they don’t end up living, waiting for their end to come. Of course, not all children are uncaring, but in life, the last word has not been written on anything.
Sooner rather than later, this state of irrelevance or loneliness is going to hit everyone. That, is when you are old, not when you are over 70 or 80.
For people in this state or stage of life, an active social life is actually a necessity and not an option. It’s a toolkit to survive as the show must go on!
For those who are not socially active, social media is initially a great escape, but addictive and we get trapped by it. Further, it gives us a false sense of being connected with people around us, and we end up giving less importance to nurturing and nourishing real relationships in real life. Social media ends up disconnecting us from real people and tuning us out from those who actually care for us.
Be that as it may, these survival mechanisms like an active social life or social media escape, work only up to a point. While they are an easy and time-tested way to kill boredom and don’t make you feel lonely, you continue to harbour a feeling of irrelevance, even if it is sometimes only a perception, and not necessarily true.
It’s really a no-brainer why this is so. The world around us has changed dramatically over the past few decades. Social media, peer pressure, the decline in societal and family values, absence of pride in our cultural mores, the price of success, the fear of failure, lack of belief and faith in anything or anyone that is remotely linked to a moral standard, and last but not the least, a carefree, careless attitude towards building true, lasting and enduring relationships: all of these come together to make us feel older, lonelier, and irrelevant, faster than we age.
Each of us is like a Robinson Crusoe stuck in an island, varying only in degrees, and more worryingly, irrespective of our age.
This might sound like pop psychology or even a fit case for uncertified depression. Maybe, but it is not unreal or importantly, abnormal. And thank god for small mercies.
There is a way out. We can still be as relevant, if not more, than before, and fight loneliness, even if we are old or alone. The first step for this is to stay independent, truly and literally. That is, to do everything to stay healthy, physically, mentally and of course financially. For Vedic affirmation, think detached attachment.
Second is to embrace a passion: It could be work, devotion, social service, philanthropy, music and arts, reading, mentoring people, cultural activity, or anything else that appeals to our heart and mind. In other words, a second innings — livelier than the first!
The most important thing is to make it an integral part of our life and our world. Ideally, this should be our first family, because, unlike with our near and dear, we can stay attached AND detached, with the former! Of course, this applies more for the weak at heart, and not those who stay unmoved by the trials and tribulations that are part of one’s life.
Giving back to society: That’s the popular preference for a second innings nowadays. Another way out is to live cool. Pick your passion, and the conversations and the calls will return, as will your relevance.
To end on a positive note, luckily, there are a million new things out there to keep us enthused, engaged, and excited. We only have to develop an active mind and inclination to learn.
Indeed, the world has so much to offer that even we can end up becoming really busy for that conversation and that call….
Life, in the full sense of the word, can continue till the end. Let’s say, it’s not over till it’s over and keep it that way!
By – KS Muralidharan
